"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship has formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindness there is at last one which makes the heart run over" ("James Boswell," n.d.). Friendship is an in-depth relationship that develops without any previous planning. It is a loyal connection that combines trust, support, communication, and understanding between two people or more. However, the word "friendship" can take different definitions and forms depending on how you view it or how you define the relationship. Everybody desires friendship, but we wonder sometimes if males and females have similar definitions of this relationship, or does it differ, as some have suggested, in accordance with the fact that men are from Mars and women are from Venus?
        To illustrate and highlight the differences between the definitions of friendship given by males compared with those given by females, I carried out a research study to find out whether males and females have different definitions for friendship. My major source of information in this research was a questionnaire that was completed by twelve people, including six males ranging from eighteen to forty-four years old and six females with ages ranging between nineteen and twenty-four years old. (See Appendix A.)

        According to Traustadottir (n.d.), women typically describe their friendships in terms of "closeness and emotional attachment." What distinguishes friendships between women from those between men is the willingness to share their feelings, thoughts, and experiences, and to support one another. For women, one of the most important reasons for creating friendship relationships is to establish connections and therefore develop a deep bond that nourishes their nature by making them feel included and liked by others.
        In my survey, when asked about the number of "close friends" that you can have at once, the females responded with a minimum of three to "as many as I can trust," indicating that there is no limit to the number of friends that these females believed you can trust. However, they had certain characteristic that qualifies a friend to be considered a "close friend." Some of these qualities included respect for one another, valuing emotional stability, selflessness between friends, honesty, trustworthiness, and finally, having opinions and attitudes that run parallel to their own. Traustadottir also states that females "use their friendship to share difficult times and ask for help," and this quality was pointed out by one of the females surveyed when she said, "I can call her every hour and she wouldn't be annoyed, and ask for help and support when I need it.”
        Trust was rated high by most of the females. Twenty percent of them said that they could trust almost half of their friends. Thirty-five percent could trust about a quarter of their friends, and the remaining forty-five percent trusted around ninety percent of their friends. All the females responded with a "yes" when asked whether they would share a personal problem with a close friend. These females indicated that through talking and sharing of problems, they can seek advice from other women and listen to what they have to say. This can eventually establish an "emotional dimension to the relationship," states Traustadottir, which in turn will strengthen the bond in their relationships.
        When it comes to the issue of gender and friendship, only one of the female respondents preferred her close friend to be a male. This was because she said she needs "mental and emotional stability in a friend and an easygoing attitude, and a male friend will support that," she reasoned. On the other hand, the other five females preferred their close friends to be of the same gender as they are for the reasons that they "feel more comfortable with other females" to whom they can relate and who "will understand better."

        When it comes to men and their definitions for friendship, "similarity in interest is the key point," as one of the respondents stated. When men refer to someone as their friend, they are likely to be referring to someone "they do things with and can call for help," says Traustadottir (n.d.). In contrast with women, men's friendships do not focus on sharing feelings and thoughts. Their relationships are not primarily focused on factors of liking and being included, but instead "serve to buffer stress and reduce depression in the same way that women's friendships do.”
        When asked about the number of close friends that you can have at once, the males noticeably responded in a different manner compared to females. Their range was smaller, having a minimum of two friends to a maximum of twenty. This can be due to the fact that men do not seek each other for support and nourishment like women do so they don't require as many friends. The men surveyed indicated that they "don't need to share their feelings, emotions and thoughts" with other men as much as women, so they tend to have a smaller number of close friends than women do.
        Honesty, trust, understanding, willingness to help and common beliefs were among the main attributes that makes a friend to be considered a "close friend" according to the males surveyed. However, the single most common characteristic frequently mentioned by these males was similarity in interests. According to Traustadottir (n.d.), "most men have a variety of same-sex relationships." These include "activity friends," such as a weekly tennis partners or drinking buddies; "convenience friends," where the relationship is based on the exchange of favors; and "mentor friends," typically between a younger and an older man.
        Also, for someone to be qualified as a close friend takes time according to the six males I interviewed. One respondent stated that for a friend to be considered close, "we would have to have known each other for a long time, shared some important experiences together, and proved to each other that we can be trusted." This indeed can take a lot of time and effort, which could be another reason to explain why men have fewer friends than women. Trust is another area where there is an evident difference between men and women. Of the six males surveyed, only one male said he would trust all his friends. The others had varying degrees or percentages of friends that they can trust, ranging from one percent to twenty at most.
        In contrast with women, the males had a variety of responses to whether they would share a personal problem with a close friend. Some answered "yes," some answered "no," and others had answers such as "sometimes" and "second priority," ranking family first. According to Traustadottir (n.d.), men shy away from intimacy and closeness, unlike women, which is due to various factors such as masculine values and competition. As a result, men tend to turn to strangers or to women when they need to discuss confidential matters and personal problems rather then to their close friends. Similar to the females, the males I surveyed also preferred to have their close friends to be from the same gender. Only two males preferred their closest friends to be females and supported that with the reason that "they are better listeners," whereas the remaining four preferred their friends to be males, confirming that with responses such as "definitely" and "of course."”

        In carrying out this research, it was evident that there are noticeable differences in the definitions men and women give to friendship and the way in which they view it. Although both genders surveyed desired friendship and having companions, and also desired qualities such as trust, honesty, and understanding in a friend, the males and the females had different criteria that qualify someone to be considered as a close friend. For the females, friendship was all about communicating and listening. This supports the idea that women in general are good listeners and that's how friendship relationships are established in the first place, through talking and listening to what other women have to say about themselves. The females also favored and valued the quality of friendship, which was reflected in their high ratings to traits such as compassion, intimacy, and closeness. In contrast, the males favored similarities in interests and belief rather than the closeness and intimacy preferred by the females. Most of the males made similar statements, which confirmed that "a friend is someone you can do things with."
        In conclusion, whether you are a male or a female, and whether your definition of friendship differs or not, I think that a friend is a friend either way you look at it. A friend is a friend in the sense that he or she will always be the one who can help, support, and understand you. However, the difference in the qualities that we look for to meet and satisfy our expectations of a friend is what causes the definitions males and females give to friendship to be different.

James Boswell. (n.d). Books and writers. Retrieved October 27, 2001, from http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/boswell.htm

Traustadottir, R. (n.d.). Gender patterns in friendships. Retrieved October 27, 2001, from http://soeweb.syr.edu/thechp/genpat.htm
 
 

Gender:  male______  female______
Age:  ______
Are you currently:  studying ______  working ______

1. How many "close" friends do you think you can have?
2. What qualifies a friend in your opinion to be a close friend? What makes him or her unique?
3. What percentage of your friends can you really trust?
4. If you have a personal problem, would you consider discussing and sharing it with a close friend?
5. Do you prefer your closest friend, the one that you can fully trust to be a male if you are a female or a female if you are a male? Or do you prefer him or her to be from the same gender as you?
6. Please use this space if possible to share any additional comments you may have on this topic.